Why can’t I slow down in Ramazan?…M Bilal Lakhani

Ramazan should be a month in which we slow down to reflect on life, pray and renew our spirits. But I find myself running in the same busy sprint that I run every day. Thats because even though my body wants to slow down, my mind is continuing to race. A race to stop myself from falling behind on a to-do list that never stops growing.

I wake up anxious every day even though everything is fine. Anxiety has been a constant sub-thread weaved into the contours of my life. Its a travesty really because it holds me back from enjoying life, doing my most productive work and living my best life. What do I really fear? Worst case scenarios of all sorts. Losing a job, a loved one or just being a failure in general. Not being good enough or enough.

If I wasnt anxious, Id get so much more done and actually enjoy the process versus feel so much pain. Im good at what I do. You wouldnt be reading these words if I wasnt. But I cant help but feel like its all a farce. And that one wrong step will mean everything falling apart like a house of cards. Ive been on planet earth for 37 years and that should count for something. Ive been through a divorce, depression and still come out alive. Then why do I still feel like everything can go wrong at any moment?

Part of it could be a call from God to submit to Him and realise that I can do everything in my control and still feel helpless when it comes to outcomes. Part of it is that Im afraid Ill be seen as a failure in front of the world if I cant hold it together. And part of it is that Id feel a deep sense of unfairness or injustice in life if something does go wrong (why did this happen to me?).

In terms of being seen as a failure to the world, who cares? I dont spend more than a minute thinking about how other people are not doing well. I think about what I can do to help them. Other folks will feel the same way about me if I struggle. Besides, I dont live for others. I live for myself. Why be anxious about worst case scenarios in the context of other people who dont even care?

In terms of a sense of unfairness or injustice, if something goes wrong in my life, what about all the things that have gone right? What about having a healthy body, the ability to see, hear and walk or the love of my life and daughter that make my world go round? Food on the table and all the things that Im grateful for. So what if something goes wrong when so much has gone right? Is the anxiety of worst case scenarios worth taking when youre living through a best case scenario?

Anxiety is not a productive emotion when one is trying to be productive. And productivity is the only way you can actually avoid worst case scenarios. So I have to find a way to restore the confidence and joy in doing the things I want to. How does one do that? By saying the same to yourself when anxiety rears its ugly head. Not indulging the anxiety in letting you down a rabbit hole of worse case scenarios but pushing back and talking about what could go right and everything youre grateful for.

Theres also an element of submitting to God here by saying all we can do is try our best and then leave the rest to Him. But how do we know that we are trying our best, the anxiety asks? What if youre just being lazy and easy on yourself, while telling yourself youre doing your best?

Thats what the modern day life treadmill tells us. That we arent running hard enough or fast enough. And thats what we have to reprogram ourselves on. The anxiety that drives us insane isnt just personal but socialised. The good thing about Ramazan is that being anxious feels really wrong and weird. It forces you to confront the anxiety and make an intentional effort to fight it.

Courtesy The Express Tribune