Asking more of ourselves….M Bilal Lakhani

I thought I was happy but perhaps I was mistaking happiness for laziness. Let me explain. Over the last few years, I worked hard to design an intentional life of contentment but for some reason I still had a nagging itch that something was missing. After weeks of working with a life coach, I’ve realised that what I thought was contentment was actually my comfort zone. And now it’s time to smash through that comfort zone and confront my fears versus running away from them.

I wasn’t born type A — I was actually a mediocre student but at some point during my O levels, I became a type A personality and student. Why did I become a type A student? Because I had a new best friend and he was the class topper. And I wanted to top him. I did end up getting the best O levels results in my class — even my parents were shocked. And that began my tryst with being type A.

In university, I ran for and won student council elections, started my own magazine and landed one of the best first jobs in the country. I kept hustling. Didn’t settle. I was enjoying most of the process and external validation, minus the pressure I put on myself. Hustling became second nature, until about a year after I moved to Geneva. The new work environment outside of Pakistan — where I could thrive — without working my absolute hardest, allowed me to take things easy. And my type A personality faded to the background. My ambition also dulled. Or put differently, I started enjoying life. And worked to live versus lived to work. It was kind of nice actually.

The desire to hustle still comes to me in waves but I’ve mostly resisted it for years. It’s particularly pronounced when I’m at a high point or low point in my life — basically, when my motivation is the highest. But then it recedes as I come back to my normal state. That’s because ironically, I’ve worked hard to build a normal state where I’m happy without hustling. I play tennis thrice a week, do gratitude exercises every morning, don’t over eat with intention but also let myself eat whatever I want, go to the park every evening with my daughter and have fulfilling weekends with the love of my life. All that said, my greatest source of achievement and fear of failure is still professional. And so the hustle bug refuses to go away.

This results in bizarre situations where I’m content but unhappy. And so to chase happiness I start hustling. And then I lose my contentment in the process but I’m still unhappy, despite the hustle. I’ve been through this cycle enough times now to realise what I really need to do is hustle differently or re-define what hustle means to me. Hustle for me is a state of anxiety where I put work before everything. I’m not necessarily more productive or effective but I’m in a state of movement. I’m now coming to the conclusion that I need to learn how to both work hard and smart, without entering into the hustle trance of anxiety.

This is hard because somewhere at the back of my mind I’ve linked hustling with achievement. That I cannot achieve anything in life unless I hustle. I’m now looking to build new neural pathways in my brain. Is it possible to hustle without anxiety? I want to try to find out. And even if I fail, it’s okay but I really want to try. One example of this is response time on emails and texts. I always tried to be a quick responder within a minute. Now I try to be a thoughtful responder, even if it takes me a day or two to get back to people. Similarly, instead of being motivated by crossing things off my daily to-do list, I want to evaluate my day by how much I moved forward on my top three priorities for the year.

This is a paradigm shift but I want to find a way to enjoy my hustle without the anxiety, while keeping contentment to the extent that I can. Am I juggling too many balls at once or can I do this? I can’t wait to find out either way and pivot as needed. That’s the power of hustle I want to tap into.

Courtesy  The Express Tribune, December 10th, 2023.